You wanna hear about my three day weekend? Good, because I’m going to tell you. Why? Because this is my blog and you came here to read it didn’t you? Thought so. Also because you like hearing about my wanton “Fuck you and fuck that and fuck this and fuck everything” attitude (as B so eloquently put it this weekend. He was being so serious and I laughed so hard.)
My neighbors are doucheholes. Inconsiderate, rude, LAZY doucheholes. B and I are pretty sure that we are the only two in our cul-de-sac that work and I’m almost positive the neighbors to the right of us are drug dealers. There are different cars in front of their house at all hours of the day and night; they just had their roof replaced; NO ONE WORKS outside the home. No one who lives there ever leaves except to go get groceries or drop the kids off at school. Neighbor dude is creepy friendly enough and at least says hi when I come home while he works shirtless in his dirtpatch of a front yard. Eek. B told me that he had it out with neighbor dude years ago because N.D. had a loud dog and B likes peace and fucking q.u.i.e.t and that dog was not peaceful or fucking q.u.i.e.t. N.D. learned quickly that B doesn’t start shit unless he has to and he got rid of that dog with a quickness. After that, he kept to himself and B kept to himself and we live in a quite peaceful existence.
*Cue Mariachi music*
Our neighbors to the left of us don’t ever leave the house, either. And they are Hispanic and there are typically 18 cars parked in front of their house at any given time which makes me laugh because they are the only Hispanics I’ve ever seen that don’t cram all of themselves into one car. HA! I kid. Anyway, this story has a point and I’ll get to it quickly at the risk of sounding raciest which, ironically enough, is where this story is going anyway. So there’s 34 of them living in this house and I’m not sure any of them work because during the summer when I come home and when I go to sleep and when I wake up, they’re sitting in their driveway downing Coronas and blasting Mariachi music, I shit you not.
I don’t have central air, which means that during our Spring and Summer months, I am forced to leave my windows open to allow a draft through the house, lest I roast to death in our blistering 80 degree heat (right??!) Like B, I want shit PEACEFUL AND FUCKING QUIET. I do not want to listen to Mariachi music anymore than I want to listen to Death Metal, Country, Gospel, Techno, or Justin Beiber. Everyone has different music preferences and my preference is simply to not listening to yours at anytime, let alone at 10pm.
B came home Saturday from a long and tedious day at work to the sounds of drunken debauchery and maracas. Fed up, we turned our banging stereo system on to none other than “rahhhrraaaahhraaahhhh” death metal (more on that in a minute), set the speakers in our front bay window and turned.that.shit.UP. Then the neighbors turned theirs up. Then we turned ours up. Then they turned theirs up some more. And then we turned ours off and called the cops 1. Because it was 10pm (we’d been playing music for almost 3 hours at that point) and 2. If we turned ours up any louder we may have broken all the windows in the house. We no sooner dialedthe first three digits of our local police station and they turned their music off and retired for the night. It could have also been B shouting out the window that he was calling the cops. But who really knows.
After pacing for an hour and wearing a hole in the carpet, B finally came to bed and vowed to call the police every single time they turned their music on from that day forward. We aren’t playing anymore.
As the natural order of things would have it, we called the police the next day. Not because of their music, but after flipping us of as we pulled into our driveway. The conversation went something like this:
B (walking up to their driveway after they flipped us off): Hey! What? What is all this about? Really?
Neighbor: You racist motherfucker! You don’t want to listen to my music so you turn up you “RAAARRRAHHAAAAHHAARRAAHHA” music (laugh)??? Huh? You don’t know who you’re dealing with motherfucker!
B: Yeah, ok. I gotcha, dude, but you don’t need to be harassing me as I pull into my own driveway. I don’t want to listen to your music anymore than you want to listen to mine. That was the whole point.
Neighbor: You don’t know who you dealing with, you white fucker! It’s my goddamn house and I’ll do whatever the fuck I want!
B: Great! And I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, too! Play your music, and I’ll play mine! It’s fucking disrespectful to have your music on SO loud SO late!
Neighbor: You could have just come over and asked me to turn it down!
B: I shouldn’t have to fucking ask you to be respectful!
Neighbor (stepping off his property to get up into B’s face, then stops and turns around and gets back on his sidewalk): “You don’t know who you dealing with! Come here! Come step onto my property, motherfucker!
B: You don’t want me to do that. I’m not trying to fight you.
Neighbor: I know it’s because you’re racist! You don’t want to listen to my Mariachi music! And you don’t let your wife and kids….. no, your girlfriend and HER kids, play with my granddaughter because you’re both racist! (how he knows so much about our living situation is beyond me and tit-bit unnerving)
B:….. what are you talking about?!
Neighbor: And you threatening to call the cops??! Huh? Like you did when we were having a party two weeks ago??? You’re LUCKY I wasn’t home when you called the cops the last time, you stupid white motherfucker! Leave me alone! (pounding on his mailbox) Leave me alone! Leave me alone!!
B (looking at me): ……What is he talking about?
Cue neighbor dude: What’s going on?
Me: I don’t know, man. He flipped us off as we pulled into our driveway…..
N.D.: Oh man… shit…. He’s just been drinking.
Me: REALLY.
At this point, B had started balling his fists up because neighbor kept getting closer and closer and closer to him with every word spoken and I could see that B was losing his cool. He’s very keen on “personal space” and this guy was quickly invading his. I think N.D. and some of neighbors homeboys could see it happening too, because all at once, three guys grabbed on to neighbor and started pulling him up the driveway. B started walking away, having not really resolved anything, when neighbor screamed down the driveway “I SHOULD BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF, MOTHERFUCKER!”
B has been through enough bad situations in his life to know that this kind of threat is not one to take lightly. Neighbor was drunk and upset and it was most likely an idle threat but we have kids. He has grandkids. We’ve also seen what happens when someone pops off at the wrong time to the wrong person. B especially. This was not a threat that we felt would be okay to downplay or play off entirely. We don’t know what kind of criminal history this guys has, nor do we know if he has any weapons inside his house or what anyone else in his house is willing to do to “avenge” this argument, but we weren’t taking any chances. I called the police.
The police calmed him down and we opted not to press charged THIS TIME, but we’re seriously considering moving because we don’t know what we may or may not have just started and I for one am NOT going to drive into a war zone every night I come home.
That said, I LOATHE moving. Ohmygod HATE. I’ve moved 12 times in 8 years and I’m done. The thought that a cranky neighbor may have us packing our shit because he lost his shit makes me tired. And dammit all to hell if I don’t work for a homebuilder that makes homes I would NEVER live in. Not currently, anyway. We sell some really nice homes, like, NICE NICE, and I absolutely adore our floor plans, but I just don’t want to live in any of the neighbor hoods we are currently building in. B and I have a lot of requirements too and I’m pretty sure we’re looking for a Unicorn House. Right now, our requirements are:
- 5 bedrooms (Master bedroom, a workout room, a video game room, and one room for each of the girls)
- 3 car garage (We currently own 4 cars)
- In a good neighborhood (I have kids!)
- In a good school district (I have kids!!)
- Preferably an inner cul-de-sac lot with ample space between lots, or a corner lot that does not sit on a busy street. (I like a lot of space and don’t want to be bunched up next to my neighbors)
- A backyard that backs up to nothing, or something that is very very far away. (I don’t want to see into my neighbors backyard, nor do I want anyone looking into mine)
- A room large enough to fit a pool table WITH EXTRA ROOM AROUND IT (this is self explanatory)
- Money is an option (as opposed to ‘money is NO option!’). We really don’t want to spend more than what we’re currently paying.
I mean, really, is this too much to ask? Since I’m not willing to purchase anything that doesn’t fit all 8 of these requirements, I probably need to start looking, like, NOW. Right after I finish bullet proofing my front windows. Much love, kittens.


